|On the Rag
by Barry Silverberg
Barry Silverberg's Contribution to "The ETNI Rag" after living 6 weeks in Kiriat Shmona through Prime Minister Uldemort's "I ToldJaSo War."
David Lloyd asked me to write something for the Rag in July. Then war broke out and I was too busy trying to stay alive and being a media mega star, and now the war is out to lunch and somehow, I have to get prepared for next school year or it will be even worse than last school year.
I told him I wouldn't be able to do it. So here it is:
State of Israel State of Dismay
Ministry of Education, Failure and Confusion
BACK TO SCHOOL
A Post-Traumatic Curriculum
for All Grades
PRINCIPLES AND STANDARDS FOR LEARNING
IN ISRAELI SCHOOLS
In Accordance with :
The Kadima Coalition Government Policies
Who Proudly Produced
Our Great Victory
in the Recent War.
Pupils will arrive at school on September 1. Or maybe 2 or 3. We might send two or three pupils into each classroom, and mobilize 30,000 pupils to wait around outside one particular school, and then all try to get into it. At the same time, water and electricity will be supplied to schools in other parts of the country. The minister of education, Mrs Tamir, will address a conference on Low Heeled Shoes in Gatineau, Quebec.
Pupils will arrive at school to find that there are no chairs, as they were all sent to the front so the reservists could sit around. The few pens that can be found will have dry ink. Maybe the kids can scratch around under the ruins of the school and find some cuneiform tablets. Or they can cut themselves and write in red. With all the shrapnel still lying around the schools from the war, this should not present a problem. The minister of education, Ms Tamir, will be in Dallas presenting a paper on "The Use of Dovrat Report Stationary for Toilet Paper among reservists in Lebanon.*"
What? I should have written 'stationery?' Why? I don't see that plan going anywhere!
FIG 1: STUFFY SCHOOL ATMOSPHERE GETS
A WELCOME CHANGE THANKS TO GENEROUS
DONATION FROM HASSAN NASRALLAH
* this plan did not go smoothly at the best of times.
A large number of pupils will receive school books, though most of them will be outdated, moldy, or in the wrong language. Geography texts will show maps of Israel with pre-67 borders, the advantages of which are obvious. Civics books will not be ready on time as the public figures asked to write the chapter on "Public Duty and Moral Responsibilities" are being investigated for sexual impropriety. All books, however, will have attractive
and well designed covers, produced at great cost by the Govt Propaganda Dept, who brought us such great campaigns as last July's "A Happy Solution for Every Settler." (see fig 2)
Fig 2: A settler evicted from a spacious home
in Gush Katif surveys the ruin of his cardboard
"Cara-villa," damaged by a rocket fired from the site
of his old home in Gush Katif.
LEARNING GOALS Aug 20:
The Chief Goals of Learning according to our Party platform are as follows:
LEARNING GOALS AUG 22:
- To Inculcate honesty and a drive for excellence.
- To eradicate the gaps, economic, religious and ethnic that divide our country
- To produce one of the finest Systems of Education in the world.
We apologize for the changes in the learning goals presented on Aug 20. There has been a small change in goal 2. It will henceforth read: To inculcate honesty of the type practiced by Kadima Officials such as Mr Hanegbi.*
LEARNING GOALS AUG 23:
The new definition of "GOAL" as understood by our government: An opening created by two metal or wooden poles through which the ball must be kicked. If the ball is orange, it will be kicked unconscious.
* PS My spell checker for "Hanegbi" suggests 'Hangbird."
Encouraging pupils to remain for a long school day is a chief objective of this administration. Thus pupils will arrive at the lunchrooms at 13:00 to discover that no food has arrived. They may storm out of the building and break in to nearby supermarkets, as this provides an excellent educational opportunity which they will recall on future reserve duty in the coming war. Which premieres April 1 in a shelter near your home. If you have a home.
The Minister of Education, Miss Tamir, along with all other government officials not under police investigation, will be at the Plaza Hotel in the Bahamas, behaving like a bunch of Behamas, and giving a seminar on "Deep Tissue Massage."
PUPILS AND VIOLENCE
Last February, Government Representatives in dark grey uniforms surrounded a group of school children who were skipping class in the town of Amona, and beat the hell out of them. We call this "Content Based Learning." Who said there were no military victories under the current administration? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Have a pleasant year, everyone.
Barry Silverberg, Kiriat Shmona 92%