BARRY AT THE BAGRUT CONTROL CENTER
AHH!! BAGRUT BLOOPERS!
The very title brings a drool of anticipation even to the most burned out, scorched- up, singed- on, crisped -over or just plain done- in English teacher. For these are the savoured gems, produced by our students, as, after year of toil, mostly ours, they reach the pinochle of their studies, and round the metaphorical cape of Good Hope: their final English examiNations.
We have nurtured these young people for years and helped bring them to where they are today. But where, in fact are they today? Not where they think they are, that's fo' sho'. The only person who ever really knows the Bagrut Exam marker. The marker is probably the only human being who will ever look at every word in the exam. It is up to the Bagrut Marker, therefore, to seek out and record the little nuggets of all too true absurdity that lie buried deep in the open ended answers and compositions, to extract them gingerly from the surrounding morass of scrawl, and note them down for posterior.
And what about you, reading these lines? Have you not gleefully noted several embarrassing 'errors' in the text you are at this moment reading? How many? There are in fact 3 or more seeded laboratory bloopers that I planted there on porpoise. However, genuine Blooper writers are not aware of their skill. The great Blooper writers - like the girl who wouldn't dare hitch a ride in the 'PICKLED RUGS,' the young man who reported a cell phone so small 'IT CAN FIT IN YOUR END' the anonymous cook who told us to 'SCRATCH THE CHEESE,' to make a pizza, and of course, the demure miss who requested more radio shows about sex because she 'CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THE PUBIC LIBRARY!' - they all blooped their bloopers in a state of total innocence. And innocent they remain, for they get their grades and go on with their lives unbeknownst that their bloopers live on for time immemorial.
Where should I start? My collections spans three years of Moadim Lisimha and could fill a book. The biggest problem facing Blu/grut compilers is topical relevance. Are Bloopers from Summer 2004, which is considered a Bumper Blooper Year, still relevant today? Who remembers that the 5 point exam dealt with a fan club for pencil lovers? Or that Summer 2005 brought us to an island where the children communicate by whistling? And, there was one which dealt with the new role of the thumb in the ICQ age? (Who chooses these passages, and why? This is a topic for another article.)
Well, dear readers, here we go; you will decide whether they are funny or not. Just thank your lucky five points that you're not being tested on identifying the tone.
While you're waiting for my blooper kettle to boil, perhaps you'd like to google over to a few of the sites that the term BLOOPERS will lead you to on the web:
OTHER BLOOPER SITES YOU WILL SOITENLY ENJOY:
This site deals with other bloopers around the world; not bagrut ones.
And now, back to Bagrut Bloopers, vol I:
Let's start off with this year's (2006) which is fresh in our minds. You can also use these when you give the '06 exam for practice or Matconnet, and then you can at least delude yourself that there's some educational value in what we're doing.
Here are two of our favorite bloopers, which I have tied together into one sooper blooper:
Flint knot slowly, I am ritual bath !!!!!
which of course is:
Tsorr Kesher eetee, anee mikavah! צור קשר אתי, אני מקווה!!
Perhaps you have read 'My Secret World of Idiom?' a short story by James Thurber, and, in the old literature days, a standard issue for 5 points. Thurber recalls how as a child he took literally the idioms he heard adults use, and conjured up a world full of fantasy, where, for example, a girl with a broken heart left town under a cloud. Here we have our Secret World of Bloopers, where some poor lass has been bound and dunked into the Mikveh.
And, now, from Modules F and G, 2006. Let's start with this composition about volunteering: Our students volunteer in a variety of areas:
One writer was proud of his work in the scouts:
We teach the kids many values like friendship and conspiracy
Sheetoof Peulah, right? OK, how about this one:
I was a volunteer in a shelter for bitten women. Ouch!
Some examinees wanted to volunteer with the police department:
"I think it's help you to get much older"
"I think I can help the police catch children like me"
Some were in a 'big brother' program:
"Every student has his own child. The child usually has problems in his home for example My father's child died while he was 5 years old." Now, that could scar you for a lifetime!
Some joined 'MADDA'
it helps people to be human to one another as aresult of waatching people in pain
Some kids joined, but after they had seen the blood, there were frightened and wanted to go away. Part of them escaped, but another part had been convinced to remain Did someone collect all the parts afterwards?
The second share of my work was to lay the person and encourage him. While one had been giving I attended to another. That sounds like fun work.
Secondly, I gave CPR treatment to a man on the street and finaly, I even gave birth to someone Mazzal Tov. This was probably a result of 'laying the person' two bloopers back!
And some helped the environment:
During the voluntary work will clean up the beaches....I think that the voluntary work helped me to realize that if each of us clean the world our self nobody will do it for us. Got that right?
Here is one that confused the marker: Who volunteered here, the kid or his parents?
...When I turned my back I saw a baby solo. I give the baby to my parent that adopt him in our house. all our family was happy because we adopt this baby and not left him alone. To sum up, I want to tell everybody that if you find a baby in somwere don't leave him! because it's not nice.
I'll remember that the next time I find a baby solo.
And, finally, there were those who wanted to volunteer, but couldn't get their times right:
"... It began next year ..."
The C exam brought us a wonderful passage about the restaurant that operates in total darkness and the staff are all blind:
Q: why are blind people hired as waiters in the dark restaurant?
A: … nobody can see if they wrong or make mistakes
Complete the sentence: Eating at this restaurant has made the husband
Pupil's answer: ... realize the difficulty his wife's face is every day.
And the winner is:
Q: In line 17 Jim [a customer] says: "I have learned what it feels like to depend on other people." His words show that ONE of the owner's goals has been achieved. What is this goal?
ANSWER: the area between two posts into which the ball must be kicked.
Now let's proceed to the B exam. I can see you ganging up on me already to defend your B students. Let's be fair. If I were to be tested in Arabic or Amharic, I wouldn't do much better than they did.
The following collection is not about errors.
It's about poetry:
Task: Describe the bag you lost on the bus, include as many details as possible:
The bag didn't include details possible She showed us, eh!
(this boy was abducted by aliens on the way home, along with his bag:
... I TOOK THE BUS HOME FROM SCHOOL, THREAD THE BUS SAM BADY AN EARTHLY AND UNKNOWN
I am find the suitcase, I go in the part Tel -Aviv and report a suitcase. My suitcase support me plice fine my suitcase set out on something a find loss
day after day shoulod find
funk you very mach to assistance Funk you, too!
I go to house in the bus and y don't know my bag. I seet forear
This one starts with a very emotional greeting: Hell! How are you ! I miss you
And this one raises questions about the writer's identity: ... inside the bus were women's clothes and tefillen I hope to bound by bag, because my I'd in the bag and my manly
This one starts normal but the emotions well up!
I travel in ranana in bus 576
I hoped for to enjoy
I am take a bag very big people many Deuteronomy
Not cease to think about
I Love you
I wand the workers in the airport to find my black bag... If you finded my bag to take my peales because they very impotant to my , tanks you brother's
... Toddah ahi! ... I hope this one got her peals back on time!
I took bos from school inside my bag: T shirt me school,workbooks in panes. I distillation my bag.
The bus was in the bag? And what is distillation? Anee mahool batik? Anee Mirookaz batik? Nobody's figured this one out yet.
In the bag was my free monthly... The next time you miss a monthly, girls, just look in the bag!
(This one copied the entire question, and then scrawled the following headline: )
AUTOBUS CONSTITUT ANGRY TIGRESS ALL THE BRUTAL
I lost he is still on his travels the tray. I treat it all as a joke to treat a subject artistically I lost to tray 7:00
I found the tray travel agency townspeople
Thank you letter townspeople
I am a bus the dis biggest the bag bloated I am a rock! I am an island!
Now come the truly great works: How were they created? Did the kids soak their milonits in ecstasy the night before or what? I photocopied these because I know nobody will believe I didn't make them up. I did however, change the line division on this first one:
Nelly lost suddenly
she it person is now often preferred
because it can be used
substantial, substantially, stucco stumbling block last subject subconscious.s
In 1956,Eugiene Ionesco wrote a play called the Bald Soprano, which runs a lot like this composition
This one must be chanted out loud:
Purple service sought the (crossed out: luggage) trunk
The bus is vere dig and is the pink.
I like the bus, bout no a like the school
We worked on this one for three hours in the Marvad, and couldn't crack it.
I LOST A BAG BLO. ANGRILY FIRST inside ARmourer I want HIS bag. His important Please give me BACK Thanks vhe mush me poon 0537237777 I f you want I gave you Money mush me poon?
6 Hi My name is Ben get lost Drop dead!
Bag in the bus
I applicant please help my phone registered
Pen being in the gay Deuteronomy importants
This bug be from behind
Finally in the bus
On the other hand, this one was clear as day:
שלום אני בן. נעבד לי תיק באוטובוס. אני מבקש עזרה. רשום טלפון שלי. יש עט עפור ודברים חשובים התיק מאחורה בסוף האוטובוס....
This one is my favorite from the bunch. They had to get the police to pull me off the shelves in the Marvad, where I was singing at full volume:
6 I like shopping
I like cans
I like go beach and go kiosk
My don't like sleep
I want bus number for
I was inside it Great Bretain and Asbnia
I love this one, too: I was in the bus from city to my nose .
Take a deep breath: Informal unbelievaable : a tall story. Time and date I am were on the us. That's a tall order command which is extremely difficult
Call 050 30762159 I showing love or fondness This one is quoting from a computer war game, copying dictionary definitions and I think threw in an erotic massage parlour ad, all at the same time. Awesome!.
How do you do HANNAN? I need you small. I love you.
I swear, I thought I was eavesdropping on somebody's personal messages.
This last one you can have free as a present from me: I don't even know what language it is! I think it may be random words just copied, with terrible errors, from another part of the exam. Or maybe this examinee was inspired by Winnie the Pooh:
Do you name Pigtael vee Piget that of the violence the Robins airport… Digtel behave rudely because they are under strass Digtel
Whew! That's it. I can never go through these without breaking down.
The sad part of it is, at the end of the summer I was disqualified for marking papers. It seems that instead of photocopying all the non-English answers, I should have been filling out 'improper use of Milonit' forms.
Luckily, I was re instated. After the Moed Alef results came out on the internet, I was voted back in through SMS messages!